RANDOM THOUGHTS: 5 TIMES THE SUN WAS TOO HOT

Let’s just say I have no fucking clue what this blog entry is even about. It’s an easy-going Sunday, let’s just let it be what it is. Since it's still summer, let's explore five times when the sun was just too hot. Does that even make any sense? Probably not. Anyways, consider this a “random thoughts” type of entry with a summer theme - stuff that might not make for a good individual read, but together, they create a longer and perhaps amusing compilation (hopefully).

SUPER MARIO 3 - ANGRY SUN

You know you’re in a bad spot when you’re running through a Goomba ridden desert with quick sand, tornadoes and endless pits at every corner. But it doesn’t stop there in world 2 level 5 of Super Mario Bros. 3…. what a nightmare. 

You think, "How could this get worse?" Enter the Sun, deciding to play a game of "Whack-a-Plumber." Imagine making it through every obstacle previously mentioned then this celestial body descends from the sky to chase and try to kill you, making it one of the most insane levels in the game.

HEY ARNOLD - HEAT

In this scorching episode, the entire city of Hillwood, Washington, is desperately trying to escape the extreme heat of a summer Sunday. Arnold and Gerald's quest for coolness is thwarted at every turn - long theater lines, overcrowded pools, and the Jolly-Olly Man price-gouging once-cheap frozen treats.

The scene that lives rent-free in my head? Sid getting pissed at his buddy for taking too long using the slushy machine like a baptismal font. The magenta, sludgy frozen drink looks bizarre, but they're enjoying it in ways never intended.

WEEKEND AT BERNIES - ROOFTOP SCENE

When it comes to summer movies, Weekend at Bernies and its sequel are the two that instantly come to my mind. Larry Wilson and Richard Parker are two low-level financial employees at an insurance company in New York City. While going over reports, Richard discovers a series of payments made for the same death. He and Larry take their findings to the CEO, the wealthy and hedonistic Bernie Lomax, who commends them for discovering the insurance fraud and invites them to his beach house in the Hamptons for labor day weekend. Lucky them!

Before our heroes embark on their corpse-puppeteering adventure, we see them pathetically simulating a beach day on a scorching New York City rooftop. Complete with beach chairs and a kiddie pool, it's a sad picture of "summer in the city." The melting tar ruining shoes and papers makes me cringe every single time.

PETE AND PETE - THE GREAT BLUE TORNADO BAR PANIC

Ah, the coming of age adventures of two brothers named Pete. In the Mr. Tastee-centric episode What We Did on Our Summer Vacation, the Petes and Ellen try to befriend Mr. Tastee the friendly-yet-secretive-and-mysterious neighborhood ice-cream man. 

Mr. Tastee vanishes as the summer heat intensifies. Deprived of their beloved Blue Tornado bars, the local kids start hallucinating from ice cream withdrawal, highlighting the crucial role of frozen treats in summer survival.

BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD - DESERT

Ending on an absolute classic way-too-hot scene! Our dynamic duo proves that in extreme heat, IQ points evaporate faster than water in Death Valley. Beavis's brilliant hydration plan - eating a peyote cactus - turns their desert trek into a White Zombie music video. Because nothing says "summer adventure" quite like hallucinating your way through a sandbox of doom.

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Is this article generating more heat or more indifference? The only thing warming up is my laptop from the effort of writing this.

2. Could Mr. Tastee save this blog post with a Blue Tornado bar? Not even the sweetest treat could mask the flavor of desperation in these words.

3. If this article were ice cream, what flavor would it be? Unflavored ice milk - bland, unsatisfying, and leaving you wondering why you bothered.

There you have it, heat seekers - a tour through random sun-stroked moments in pop culture, wrapped up in a blog post that's about as refreshing as a hot car seat in August. Stay cool, stay hydrated, stay tuned!

VINTAGE KOOL-AID PART 1

Consider this my ode to the good old days when hydration meant sugar-shock and artificial colors that would make a rainbow jealous. A time when our biggest worry was whether we'd end up with a purple mustache or a blue tongue. I'm talking about the nectar of the gods: Kool-Aid!

To me, making Kool-Aid wasn't just mixing a drink; it was a sacred ritual that rivaled ancient alchemy. Those little packets were like vials of powdered magical elixirs for your taste buds. And the main ingredient? A mountain of sugar so vast, it needed its own zip code.

And sure, Kool-Aid was an all-season MVP in most households, but what time better to talk about Kool-Aid than summertime? On the hottest days, that icy cup of sugar water hit harder than puberty. Just to add to it, back in the day, the Kool-Aid Man wasn't only bursting through walls—he was bursting with hand-drawn charm, flanked by a menagerie of critters that looked like they stumbled out of a groovy acid trip. It was art, I tell you! Art you could drink! So, today, let’s take a trip into the technicolor world of Kool-Aid packets!

PURPLESAURUS REX

Move over, Barney! This grape-lemonade lovechild stomped onto the scene in 1989, proving dinosaurs aren't extinct - they're just hiding in your drink mix. Legend has it, you can channel your inner flavor necromancer and resurrect this discontinued delight by mixing grape and lemonade Kool-Aid.

Fun fact, Purplesaurus Rex Kool Aid comes from grape and lemon filled volcanoes - a prehistoric eruption of flavor!

SHARKLEBERRY FIN

Another fun debut in 1989, Sharkleberry Fin - Imagine Jaws with a juice sponsorship, sporting oversized novelty Dollar Tree glasses. Oh, and he’s pink!

Sharkleberry is the only mascot that survived the flavor extinction after the resurgence in 2014 and still swims in packet and bulk powder form today. He may have lost his pink skin and sunglasses, but his Kool Aid still tastes like a pool party in a cup!

ROCK-A-DILE RED

As far as I can tell, 1991 seems like the year our red friend Rock-a-dile debuted, some Kool Aid purist is out there angry at all of these dates I’m sure. Listen, I’m not perfect and I’ll take no offense at being stood corrected.

A mixed berry punch comprised of cherries, grapes and strawberries that brought new meaning to 'see you later, alligator.' Plus, Rock-a-dile is an anthropomorphic croc setting him apart from the whole crew of mascots. Part gator, part rock star, all attitude. He also plays the sax - yes, it matters!

GREAT BLUEDINI

Next, we’re off to 1992 with the Introduction of the octopus magician, Great Bluedini! Perhaps the most wild of the bunch; this eight-armed illusionist swam onto the scene, turning green powder into blue liquid faster than you can say 'abra kadabra.' But the real magic trick? It tastes like fruit punch! I’m almost surprised by the flavor but then again, it’s an octopus magician… things were bound to get weird.

PINK SWIMMINGO

And finally, my personal favorite of the bunch, PINK SWIMMINGO! Introduced in 1993, the Kool-Aid Man and a flamingo life guard teamed up for a watermelon cherry lemonade so beautiful it made angels cry sweet pink tears of joy and trade their harps for pool noodles.

There are few things I love more than flamingos in summertime - when you slap beachy lifeguard gear on them and throw them on a delicious flavor of Kool Aid - you’re speaking the only language I choose to understand. If summer had an official color and flavor, it would be this fabulous flamingo in a glass!

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Is Pink Swimmingo the reason flamingos are pink? That’s the story as I know it and I won’t be told otherwise.

2. What happened to all the leftover Purplesaurus Rex when it was discontinued? It fossilized into grape-flavored geodes, now sold at overpriced gift shops near you!

3. Could Great Bluedini predict the future of discontinued flavors? Only if you shook the pitcher three times and asked very nicely.

From prehistoric purple pals to saxophonist swamp dwellers, one thing's for sure: these wild Kool-Aid flavors were the real MVPs of our childhood. They may be gone, but they're certainly not forgotten! Thanks for reading!

THE TOYBOX DIARIES PART 1 - SUMMER EDITION

Summer's here, and you know what that means: time to slather on enough SPF to make an albino jealous and embrace the season of sweat stains! Since I made the questionable decision to hoard vintage toys (judge me all you want, at least I'm not collecting shot glasses or belly button lint), let me dazzle you with toys that scream "summer" louder than a seagull eyeing your beach snacks. What else were you gonna do for the next five minutes? Actually go outside? Please... I've already braved the great outdoors to play with these bad boys in my strawberry plants, all for your entertainment and it was just barely worth it…. You’re welcome.

TIGER ELECTRONICS CAPTAIN PLANET “DUKE NUKEM” 1991

Is he a corn cob? A pineapple? The unholy offspring of a lemon and a nuclear reactor? Why not all three? Regardless, he’s Duke Nukem and he’s ready to party harder than a frat boy on spring break!

Duke Nukem, if you recall, is one of Captain Planets finest foes. You may be familiar with the less colorful glow in the dark version of this figure mostly because this variant pictured here was a European release. While the other version got the glow in the dark treatment, this one got the “electronic noises and blinking red eyes with the press of a button” treatment with a “dad who’s ready to flip burgers at the cookout” styled look.

SEWER SPITTING TMNT 1992

1992 - the year fashion forgot but toy designers clearly remembered! When people say that the 80s blends into the early 90s, this is what they mean. Here we have one of the most summery, colorful lines from Ninja Turtles in Playmates Toys history. The lineup: Beach combing Mike, Lifeguard Leo, Sewer-Cyclin’ Raph and Spike N’ Volley Don.

With accessories to the brim, these turtles are more loaded than your cousin after a trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet. And just like your cousin, they also spit! But with water, thankfully. Each turtle has a rubber container built into their shell that fills up with water which can then be squeezed to make them spit water making them the perfect pool toy. Or the perfect destroy dinner time toy… pick your poison.

ARMY ANTS 1987

If you have a strong phobia of bugs, tread lightly from here on out. But realistically, what says summer more than an invasion of creepy crawlies?

For when regular ants ruining your picnic just isn't enough, here we have the classic 80s toy line, Army Ants! If you’re not familiar, these anthropomorphic ants sported some army getup and came in both blue and orange. The idea, if it’s not obvious, two 6 legged armies pitted against each other because the old green totally normal human soldiers just didn’t cut it anymore. The fun factor didn’t stop there. These things had squishy removable pink and green butts!

BEAST WARS PREDACON RETRAX

Speaking of bugs, meet BEAST WARS PREDACON RETRAX, the pillbug that's harder to stand up than your drunk uncle at a family barbecue. This little guy is supposedly a desert destroyer who burrows through tunnels of his fallen victims, but I think he'd struggle to destroy a sandcastle.

I spent exactly 260 hours trying to get him to stand up long enough to take an awkward photo with my neighbors watching. He’s an extremely top heavy figure once he’s transformed. The real fun is when he’s still in bug form. So, he’s a pillbug (those little goofy rolly polly bugs) which they’ve achieved surprisingly well!

TMNT MEGA MUTANTS KILLER BEE AND NEEDLENOSE

Surprise surprise! Yeah, it’s more Turtle figures! Yeah, I’m predictable, sue me. But we’re on a big streak, we had to keep it going. Now, buckle up for a wild ride through the insect kingdom on steroids!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up to witness the most buzzworthy spectacle in town - Killer Bee and Needlenose, the MEGA MUTANTS! These aren't your garden-variety creepy crawlies. These are jumbo-sized, action-packed insect taxis for your toys, courtesy of everyone's favorite disembodied brain, Krang!

First up, meet Killer Bee - the Foot Clan's answer to "What if we crossed a bee with a prison and a hardware store?" This bad boy comes equipped with an electric chair seat (for that extra tingle), a ball and chain (for plastic criminals), and a pollinator pistol (because even evil bees have day jobs). And if that wasn't enough, throw in some handcuffs and a chainsaw, because why not? It's the Swiss Army Knife of criminal insects!

But wait, there's more! Introducing Needlenose, the jet-fighting mosquito from Dimension X. This reformed bug went from sucking blood to sucking up to the good guys faster than you can say "turtle power." Donatello must've given him quite the pep talk after the “bug-napping” (it says Donnie basically stole him from Krang on the back of his box). With a tongue for a seat, bee-seeking missiles, and a rotating tail gunner, this mosquito is ready to turn any killer bee into a swatted bee.

So whether you're team stinger or team proboscis, these mega mutants are sure to create quite the buzz in your toy box. Just remember, kids: in this world, it's either bee or bee not - there is no fly!"

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Can I incorporate this into my summer workout routine? Absolutely. Nothing builds core strength like hunching over tiny action figures for hours on end.

2. Is Needlenose an effective mode of transportation? If your idea of effective transportation includes airsickness and the constant fear of being swatted, absolutely.

3. Can Duke Nukem protect you from sunburn? He can't even protect himself from looking like an overripe fruit. You're on your own, pal.

So there you have it! Whether you're hitting the beach or hiding from the sun in your air-conditioned fortress, remember: summer is all about fun, and nothing says fun like grown adults taking photos of children's toys from decades ago in front of your neighbors (nostalgias a hell of a drug). Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some important business to attend to - teaching my Army Ants the finer points of strawberry garden construction. Thanks for reading!

THE ICE CREAM EXTRAVAGANZA PART 1!

Ah, summer memories. Sun, sand, and… the neighborhoods mobile diabetes dispenser! I have a plethora of profound memories associated with summertime but, not many are as significant as the ice cream truck. It was the neighborhoods’ personal savior; the hottest summer days would fear its arrival. Sweating buckets and contemplating if this is what spontaneous combustion feels like, I’d eagerly await the sound like a dog listening for the word “walk” and chase its jolly high pitched melodies until I reached sweet sugary frozen victory. I vividly remember being one of a dozen overly wiggly excited kids in line faced with the tough decision of selecting THE PERFECT ice cream treat from the vast array of options. In this series, we will be examining a number of those options. From character pops to dessert tacos covered in chocolate; by the time you’re done reading, you’ll swear you can hear those classic ice cream truck jingles in the distance (just kidding, that’s the 90 degree temps pushing you towards insanity).

SCREWBALL

The screwball was never my first choice but it most definitely wasn’t my last either. I can remember a few times thinking I should broaden my tastes and indulge in something unfamiliar. That’s exactly when Screwball was invited to the party. 

With differing variations over the years, this seems to be the basic or “classic” version of itself; a slushy, fruity water ice base with a gum ball hidden at the bottom, all contained in a clear plastic cone. The slush, which was typically cherry, was good but the gum ball entombed under slush waiting to be excavated from its icy grave was even better and well worth the price of admission. Nothing says “fun” like nearly choking on a tasty gum ball while brain freeze paralyzes your face.

KLONDIKE OREO ICE CREAM SANDWICH

Remember Oreo Big Stuf from back in the day? This is basically its ice cream cousin with a cookies and cream ice cream middle. These easily transcended any other version of an ice cream sandwich back then.

The best part - the cookie was soft like it went to therapy and worked through it’s hard exterior, having the mouthfeel like it had previously met a glass of milk and they became best buds. Emotional growth never tasted so good.

MEGA WARHEADS POPSICLE

The 90’s were huge on the sour candy craze so, naturally, Warheads inevitably made it to the freezer aisle because why enjoy your ice cream when you can suffer through it? There has been an astronomical amount of character popsicles that have come and gone over the years but none of them did it quite the way Warheads did.

Sour raspberry, black cherry water ice with strawberry sherbet and a Mega Warheads sour watermelon candy for the mouth! Most character popsicles were dead set on the addition of gum balls for eyes. Warheads went straight for the throat! This thing didn’t mess around. I was lucky enough to painstakingly enjoy this popsicle on numerous occasions. However strong the sour notes were, the flavors were strangely addicting enough that I insisted on going back time and time again. What can I say? I’m kind of an idiot.

COTTON CANDY SWIRL

I don’t know what it was/is about Cotton Candy, but it always appealed to me. Cotton Candy swirl popsicles were no exception to the rule. 

To be honest, the flavor was fine but didn’t really hit the “cotton candy” mark a cotton candy fan would hope. Plus, I never understood the color scheme; It’s like cotton candy had an identity crisis and decided to be a sunset instead. Even so, I rarely cared to question the color. Besides, how can you question something like the credibility of a yellow and pink swirled cotton candy popsicle when it’s approved by a fucking walrus playing a saxophone? Or maybe it’s a baritone…. I’m not at all familiar with the nuances.

GHOULIE

Probably my favorite among the list and not to be confused with Ghoulies the movie, this was another random Good Humor venture into horror.

Bubblegum flavored water ice with one scary bubblegum eyeball. Where there may have been another eyeball, a hole resides (don’t get any weird ideas). It’s a mask! It’s a popsicle! It’s…. probably going to leave you with a sticky face! A really smart gimmick, no doubt; an extra feature for a kid while surely cutting at least a little cost.

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Is there a support group for adults still chasing ice cream trucks? Yes, it’s called “Sprinkles Anonymous” and they meet weekly in parking lots, frantically waving dollar bills at passing vehicles.

2. How many cavities can be directly attributed to the Screwball’s hidden gum ball? More than one…. from personal experience.

3. Does the Ghoulie count as a Halloween costume if you eat it on October 31st? Yes. Also, a Halloween costume that you eat? Bonus points for being economical in these trying times.

Anyways, that’s all I have for now. I hope you enjoyed Part 1 of this frozen escapade of cold memories on a stick! I have a ton of these stickers laying around so expect more popsicle adventures like this in the near future! Thanks for reading!