5 YEARS OF CHRISTMAS CRUNCH!

Here I am, drunk on eggnog and delirious from a loss of sleep scanning miles worth of Wish Book pages and wrestling my tree while marathoning Muppet Family Christmas - we’re jumping into the holiday season here at Leftover Pizza!

To kick off the festivities, let’s start with this collection of cereal boxes I’ve been harboring over the years - 5 boxes of Christmas Crunch Cereal from the 90s! The Cap'n, bless his militarily questionable heart, has been spreading holiday cheer since the late 80s and they are some of THE MOST festive cereal offerings of all time.

1994

Prior to 94, Christmas Crunch played it safe with festive Crunch Berries. This was the first time the Cap’n broke away from his spherical red and green cereal pieces and instead offered a mix of 6 different shapes which would carry on as the standard for the cereal. The lineup included stars, stockings, pine trees, trains, a voodoo doll and what looks like maybe a bicycle or a reindeer with a bad hair day.

While the cereal is great, this box doesn’t piss around. Looking like it’s straight out of an animated Christmas special, Quaker covered every inch of cardboard real estate! From the snow covered hill and trees to the deer with tinsel and Christmas lights in their antlers - someone at Quaker clearly had too much coffee and access to too many crayons, and I'm here for it. Also note the sticker in the bottom left corner. From what I understand, the sticker was later added later to show the boxes contained the regular Cap’n Crunch cereal pieces in addition to the new green and red shapes which wasn’t evident on the box alone.

1995

After 94, things take a wild turn. Ever looked at your bowl of sugar-coated cereal and thought, "This isn't diabetes inducing enough"? Enter the Holiday frosting packet with sprinkles, because apparently regular Christmas Crunch wasn't sending enough kids to the dentist. All in the name of Christmas. Hallelujah!

This will be a reoccurring theme but again, no wasted space in sight on this box which happens to be an ombré blue to darker blue color with oversized silver snow flakes like the ones you use to cut out in elementary school. The blue was a bold choice but I’d say it paid off.

1996

96 Christmas Crunch retired the frosting packet and kept it simple with the 6 fun Christmas shapes from the past couple years only this time in a much fancier take on the box design.

Resembling a present complete with gift wrapping, a bow and a tag - this design oozed sophistication! While there is some negative space, they make up for it with beveled gold foil font which really adds a serious amount of class. Christmas Crunch went from a kids cereal to a pinky out kind of cereal.

1997

We’re back to our jolly green box with red text. A very festive candy cane adorned tree hangs out in the background. Cap’n dropped 3 of the six fun shapes keeping the star, the tree and the stocking which barely matters because KOOSH BALLS!

With the form attached to the box and 2 UPC’s, they give you the choice of either a Kooshling, which is simply an anthropomorphic Koosh Ball, OR you could get a CUSTOM Koosh Ball! When I think peak 90’s, I think of the days when I had at least 2 Koosh Balls attached to my backpack at all times.

1998

It’s wild how different Cap’n looks when you take away the bold black outlines from his illustration. He looks less like a naval officer and more like Patrick Star cosplaying Santa after a rough night. But, I digress. Sometimes it’s about what’s on the inside that counts and inside weird Cap’n Patrick Santa cereal is a very interesting gimmick: Jingle. Bell. ROCKS!

Jingle Bell Rocks were little “magical” pebbles packed with food coloring which would change regular cereal milk into a festive red pool. I’m not exactly sure what these pebbles are made of but, judging by the look on all the kids faces on the back of the box, they come with one hell of an addiction.

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. How many times are you going to watch Muppet Family Christmas? Yes.

2. That’s not even an answer to the question. Oh. 

3. Will you eat the old cereal. I don’t know… will you actually watch it?

After staring at these boxes for hours, I'm pretty sure Cap'n Crunch doesn't actually have a naval license. Don't tell the authorities. That’s all I have for now. Until next time - thanks for reading!

THE ICE CREAM EXTRAVAGANZA PART 1!

Ah, summer memories. Sun, sand, and… the neighborhoods mobile diabetes dispenser! I have a plethora of profound memories associated with summertime but, not many are as significant as the ice cream truck. It was the neighborhoods’ personal savior; the hottest summer days would fear its arrival. Sweating buckets and contemplating if this is what spontaneous combustion feels like, I’d eagerly await the sound like a dog listening for the word “walk” and chase its jolly high pitched melodies until I reached sweet sugary frozen victory. I vividly remember being one of a dozen overly wiggly excited kids in line faced with the tough decision of selecting THE PERFECT ice cream treat from the vast array of options. In this series, we will be examining a number of those options. From character pops to dessert tacos covered in chocolate; by the time you’re done reading, you’ll swear you can hear those classic ice cream truck jingles in the distance (just kidding, that’s the 90 degree temps pushing you towards insanity).

SCREWBALL

The screwball was never my first choice but it most definitely wasn’t my last either. I can remember a few times thinking I should broaden my tastes and indulge in something unfamiliar. That’s exactly when Screwball was invited to the party. 

With differing variations over the years, this seems to be the basic or “classic” version of itself; a slushy, fruity water ice base with a gum ball hidden at the bottom, all contained in a clear plastic cone. The slush, which was typically cherry, was good but the gum ball entombed under slush waiting to be excavated from its icy grave was even better and well worth the price of admission. Nothing says “fun” like nearly choking on a tasty gum ball while brain freeze paralyzes your face.

KLONDIKE OREO ICE CREAM SANDWICH

Remember Oreo Big Stuf from back in the day? This is basically its ice cream cousin with a cookies and cream ice cream middle. These easily transcended any other version of an ice cream sandwich back then.

The best part - the cookie was soft like it went to therapy and worked through it’s hard exterior, having the mouthfeel like it had previously met a glass of milk and they became best buds. Emotional growth never tasted so good.

MEGA WARHEADS POPSICLE

The 90’s were huge on the sour candy craze so, naturally, Warheads inevitably made it to the freezer aisle because why enjoy your ice cream when you can suffer through it? There has been an astronomical amount of character popsicles that have come and gone over the years but none of them did it quite the way Warheads did.

Sour raspberry, black cherry water ice with strawberry sherbet and a Mega Warheads sour watermelon candy for the mouth! Most character popsicles were dead set on the addition of gum balls for eyes. Warheads went straight for the throat! This thing didn’t mess around. I was lucky enough to painstakingly enjoy this popsicle on numerous occasions. However strong the sour notes were, the flavors were strangely addicting enough that I insisted on going back time and time again. What can I say? I’m kind of an idiot.

COTTON CANDY SWIRL

I don’t know what it was/is about Cotton Candy, but it always appealed to me. Cotton Candy swirl popsicles were no exception to the rule. 

To be honest, the flavor was fine but didn’t really hit the “cotton candy” mark a cotton candy fan would hope. Plus, I never understood the color scheme; It’s like cotton candy had an identity crisis and decided to be a sunset instead. Even so, I rarely cared to question the color. Besides, how can you question something like the credibility of a yellow and pink swirled cotton candy popsicle when it’s approved by a fucking walrus playing a saxophone? Or maybe it’s a baritone…. I’m not at all familiar with the nuances.

GHOULIE

Probably my favorite among the list and not to be confused with Ghoulies the movie, this was another random Good Humor venture into horror.

Bubblegum flavored water ice with one scary bubblegum eyeball. Where there may have been another eyeball, a hole resides (don’t get any weird ideas). It’s a mask! It’s a popsicle! It’s…. probably going to leave you with a sticky face! A really smart gimmick, no doubt; an extra feature for a kid while surely cutting at least a little cost.

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Is there a support group for adults still chasing ice cream trucks? Yes, it’s called “Sprinkles Anonymous” and they meet weekly in parking lots, frantically waving dollar bills at passing vehicles.

2. How many cavities can be directly attributed to the Screwball’s hidden gum ball? More than one…. from personal experience.

3. Does the Ghoulie count as a Halloween costume if you eat it on October 31st? Yes. Also, a Halloween costume that you eat? Bonus points for being economical in these trying times.

Anyways, that’s all I have for now. I hope you enjoyed Part 1 of this frozen escapade of cold memories on a stick! I have a ton of these stickers laying around so expect more popsicle adventures like this in the near future! Thanks for reading!

CHEW ON THIS: VINTAGE BUBBLEGUM PT. 1!

From the title and the giant picture of bubblegum above, you can probably tell what this is going to be about. I can’t help but feel that we’ve all taken bubblegum for granted over the years. Cruising through convenience store aisles now days, you’ll notice how much of that old excitement no longer exists; neon colors with loud hand drawn graphics and an insanely large catalog of brands, styles and flavors all mostly gone. If you’re an 80s or 90s kid, you grew up in a time when chunk bubblegum was considered currency in grade school. It didn’t matter how much of a nerd you were. With the right bubblegum, you were automatically, at the very least, 50% cooler. We made a huge deal out of chewing this shit.

I’ve amassed an absurd amount of old gum (it’s like an episode of “Hoarders” in this bitch) and I’d love to highlight and reminisce about a select few…. otherwise, my frivolous spending habits would all be for nothing.

TOPPS JUICE BUBBLE GUM

Ah, Topps Juice Bubble Gum, the confectionery equivalent of chewing on fruity gravel. It was like fish tank medium masquerading as a box of juice; it’s a strange concept but man did it pop off!

My personal favorite? Grape. But let’s be honest, kid-me would’ve scarfed down a flavor called “Essence of Gym Sock” if it came in a package disguised as juice.

I’m still after that elusive Strawberry Shake container. There was one Easter when I received Strawberry Shake in my basket. I wasn’t the biggest fan of dyed, hard boiled eggs as a child but for that one year, the bunny and I were thick as thieves.

OUCH! BUBBLE GUM

If you thought juice carton gum was weird, hold onto your butts (haha, Jurassic Park references). Ouch! Gum came in a tin that looked like a first-aid kit. Because nothing says “yummy” like pretending to eat medical supplies.

While the gum was good and the gimmick was interesting enough; the real MVP was that tin containter. Once the tin was empty of its bubblegum insides, it was filled with literally anything else a kid could stash in it. It became the Fort Knox of childhood treasures.

Later renditions of Ouch! Gum lost the tin container which was replaced with a less fun papery card stock container. The gum was eventually discontinued all together. I’m not saying the discontinuation was the result of the tin’s absence, but I’ve also never purchased Ouch! Gum that couldn’t be repurposed as a mobile piggy bank.

TOPPS TMNT PRIMO BUBBLE GUM

In the 90’s, if it existed, there was a Ninja Turtles version of it. Enter Topps TMNT Primo Bubble Gum. The gum itself? Somewhere between “meh” and “okay.” But those turtle-shaped containers? Cowabunga, dude!

These little guys outlived their gummy contents by years at least, in my house. Like some weird trophy to remind myself of that time I chewed way too much gum - think Ace Ventura and Big Red but even less sexy. I can remember Leo and Donnie resting in a graveyard full of half-broken action figures instead of being thrown in the trash.

HUBBA BUBBA BUBBLE JUG

Perhaps the most interesting gum in this batch, we have the Bubble Jug. Imagine if a cat litter company decided to venture into the bubblegum business. That’s Bubble Jug for you, folks! It’s like someone looked at regular gum and thought, “you know what this needs? The texture of sand.” But I promise, it was the fruitiest, softest, chewiest sand I ever had the chance of eating.

This stuff was a hodgepodge of powdery dust and little, fluffy, soft pebbles of gum which would form into a more recognizable texture as you chewed. If you never had it before, I know none of that description sounds appetizing but I kid you not, this gum had an absolute choke hold on kid-me. The flavor was practically intoxicating and, in my honest opinion, hasn’t been matched since.

There have been imitations recently, sporting some sour star dust in the exact same jug container but they’re no shoe in for the real deal. I prefer my bubble jug to have the look and taste of a tropical paradise.

Interestingly enough, Bubble Jug is back thanks to the fine folks at Iconic Candy! Go check them out after you’re done reading (you’ve only got one more!).

TONGUE SPLASHERS

Last but not least, the bad boy of the bubblegum world: Tongue Splashers! Nothing says “cool” like chewing gum from a fucking paint can! Unfortunately, I don’t own the bigger version. Times are tough and I’m running low on space to put shit; settling for a sealed mini version was not an easy choice to make but by some miracle, I survived. I’m still trying to figure out who’s going to play me in the movie.

This felt like such an edgy gum. Was it the packaging? The gimmick? Or was it because I first encountered it near the horror section at the local video store? Perhaps a mix of all three?

If I’m being honest, I’m surprised this one didn’t stand the test of time. I’m assuming it’s due to the food coloring but cruising down the Dollar Tree candy aisle, I noticed at least 1000 different varieties of individually bagged gum products that would more than likely stain your tongue. Only they were all boring…. and didn’t come in paint cans.

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Whatever happened to the long-lasting flavor we were promised? It’s still out there, along with my dad who went to buy milk 20 years ago.

2. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tongue Splasher? That’s not even remotely close to what that fucking kid asked that Owl.

3. Are fish more likely to bite if you use Juice Bar Gum as bait? Only if they’re trying to relive their 90’s childhood too.

Well folks, there you have it - a journey through the sticky, sweet, and sometimes strange world of vintage bubblegum! Next time you pass by the candy aisle and see the tame, responsible gum options of today, pour one out for the wild west days of bubblegum past. I hope you enjoyed reading as I waxed poetically about old gum! I’ll catch you in part 2. Until next time, thanks for reading!