5 YEARS OF CHRISTMAS CRUNCH!

Here I am, drunk on eggnog and delirious from a loss of sleep scanning miles worth of Wish Book pages and wrestling my tree while marathoning Muppet Family Christmas - we’re jumping into the holiday season here at Leftover Pizza!

To kick off the festivities, let’s start with this collection of cereal boxes I’ve been harboring over the years - 5 boxes of Christmas Crunch Cereal from the 90s! The Cap'n, bless his militarily questionable heart, has been spreading holiday cheer since the late 80s and they are some of THE MOST festive cereal offerings of all time.

1994

Prior to 94, Christmas Crunch played it safe with festive Crunch Berries. This was the first time the Cap’n broke away from his spherical red and green cereal pieces and instead offered a mix of 6 different shapes which would carry on as the standard for the cereal. The lineup included stars, stockings, pine trees, trains, a voodoo doll and what looks like maybe a bicycle or a reindeer with a bad hair day.

While the cereal is great, this box doesn’t piss around. Looking like it’s straight out of an animated Christmas special, Quaker covered every inch of cardboard real estate! From the snow covered hill and trees to the deer with tinsel and Christmas lights in their antlers - someone at Quaker clearly had too much coffee and access to too many crayons, and I'm here for it. Also note the sticker in the bottom left corner. From what I understand, the sticker was later added later to show the boxes contained the regular Cap’n Crunch cereal pieces in addition to the new green and red shapes which wasn’t evident on the box alone.

1995

After 94, things take a wild turn. Ever looked at your bowl of sugar-coated cereal and thought, "This isn't diabetes inducing enough"? Enter the Holiday frosting packet with sprinkles, because apparently regular Christmas Crunch wasn't sending enough kids to the dentist. All in the name of Christmas. Hallelujah!

This will be a reoccurring theme but again, no wasted space in sight on this box which happens to be an ombré blue to darker blue color with oversized silver snow flakes like the ones you use to cut out in elementary school. The blue was a bold choice but I’d say it paid off.

1996

96 Christmas Crunch retired the frosting packet and kept it simple with the 6 fun Christmas shapes from the past couple years only this time in a much fancier take on the box design.

Resembling a present complete with gift wrapping, a bow and a tag - this design oozed sophistication! While there is some negative space, they make up for it with beveled gold foil font which really adds a serious amount of class. Christmas Crunch went from a kids cereal to a pinky out kind of cereal.

1997

We’re back to our jolly green box with red text. A very festive candy cane adorned tree hangs out in the background. Cap’n dropped 3 of the six fun shapes keeping the star, the tree and the stocking which barely matters because KOOSH BALLS!

With the form attached to the box and 2 UPC’s, they give you the choice of either a Kooshling, which is simply an anthropomorphic Koosh Ball, OR you could get a CUSTOM Koosh Ball! When I think peak 90’s, I think of the days when I had at least 2 Koosh Balls attached to my backpack at all times.

1998

It’s wild how different Cap’n looks when you take away the bold black outlines from his illustration. He looks less like a naval officer and more like Patrick Star cosplaying Santa after a rough night. But, I digress. Sometimes it’s about what’s on the inside that counts and inside weird Cap’n Patrick Santa cereal is a very interesting gimmick: Jingle. Bell. ROCKS!

Jingle Bell Rocks were little “magical” pebbles packed with food coloring which would change regular cereal milk into a festive red pool. I’m not exactly sure what these pebbles are made of but, judging by the look on all the kids faces on the back of the box, they come with one hell of an addiction.

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. How many times are you going to watch Muppet Family Christmas? Yes.

2. That’s not even an answer to the question. Oh. 

3. Will you eat the old cereal. I don’t know… will you actually watch it?

After staring at these boxes for hours, I'm pretty sure Cap'n Crunch doesn't actually have a naval license. Don't tell the authorities. That’s all I have for now. Until next time - thanks for reading!

SHAKIN’ MUTANTS FROM 1994!

Long time no vlog, eh? Even if this is the only video I do for the season, I figured this would be a fun one to break into it. From 1994, Shakin’ Mutants were wannabe Boglin toys pretending to be decorations that absolutely stole my heart - obviously I’m excited if I’m breaking out the video format.

Like I said, it’s been a long while since I’ve done a video like this. I wasn’t good at it before, I may be even less good at it now - so if the volume level and quality sucks or you’re just flat out not entertained, I went into this fully willing to take all the steam.

I may and or may not do other short videos like this in the near future depending on what I get time for. I set myself up for like 30 ideas and ended on realistically being able to maybe do 2 of them for the season. Time will tell. 

Anyways, enjoy. If you hate it so do I.

VINTAGE HALLOWEEN ADS

I’ve revised this intro at least 20 times by now and it dawned on me - who needs a clever intro when you’re about talk about illustrious vintage Halloween advertisements carefully plucked from magazines and newspapers? Not me. Not anyone. I found some pretty fun ones - I’m confident they’ll make up for the lack of a charismatic introductory paragraph.

CREST PUMPKIN 1983

Ah, the age old tale of dentist vs Halloween. We’ve all heard the shtick in one form or another whether it be dentists outright hating Halloween or a dentist in some random neighborhood handing out tooth brushes to trick-or-treaters. Even this ad starts off expressing dentists dismay over the holiday. 

The narrative always confused me. Maybe I’m just a glass half full kinda guy but wouldn’t a dentist be thrilled for a time of year when cavities are most prevalent? I’d sooner believe Halloween was designed to keep the drill bits turning and fluoride flowing. 

Regardless, Crest has made a nice simple scene here with a jolly jacko grinning from ear to ear to advertise their Advanced Formula with Flouristat to ensure those Halloween treats don’t come back to haunt your kids teeth. It's a win-win: kids get candy, dentists get business, and Crest gets to be the hero.

BUBBLE YUM

"Show us your bubble!" Bubble Yum proclaimed in 1988, apparently oblivious to how that phrase might tickle our modern funny bones. But, I digress - the ad features a couple of costumed kiddos channeling their inner monsters in pursuit of the era's hottest tech treasures. In simpler terms - LITTLE MONSTERS BLOWING BUBBLEGUM FOR VCRs!

As someone born just a year shy of this bubblegum bonanza, I can only imagine the frenzy. Even my 5-year-old self in '94 would have been chomping at the bit (or gum) for a shot at some sweet, sweet VCR action.

FRANK N’ STUFF

Most of you already know the glory that is Frank N’ Stuff Hotdogs by now - a whacky monster fronted line of hotdogs stuffed with chili or cheese from Hormel. Perhaps it’s news to some that there was at one point a $10k instant winner giveaway promo in 1987.

Here's the kicker: you could win by buying their delightfully stuffed dogs OR by simply sending a letter. That's right, Hormel was basically throwing money at people faster than Frankenstein's monster runs from angry villagers.

Speaking of the big green guy, I love that the ad features him illegally printing cash through some convoluted hotdog recycling scheme.

MARSHMALLOW KRISPIES CEREAL

Before they decided to melt the two together for a cereal of their own in the 90s, we were given Marshmallow Krispies cereal in the early 80s. If you were lucky enough, you would’ve come across this advertisement with a coupon for a whopping 15 cents off your next purchase of the cereal. Inflation, am I right?

I always get a kick out of these recipes for the holiday season. Why eat regular Rice Krispie treats when you can channel your inner Martha Stewart, sculpt a pumpkin, slap on more icing than a birthday cake and eat yourself to diabetic shock?

While I do love the sight of the jack-o’-lanterns which sorta resemble smaller bootleg versions of Dumpy the Pumpkin - there’s something about the ominous glow of the orange text against the shadowy background that feels so unmistakably Halloween.

SPUDS MACKENZIE BUD LIGHT

Universal loves themselves a giveaway opportunity. Whether it’s coupled with root beer or real beer - they wanted to give a select few either money or a trip to their amusement parks on many occasions. Which brings me to Bud Light. 

While a ton of the Halloween ads from Bud Light were fronted by beautiful busty goth women, a few were fronted by our pal, Spuds MacKenzie - a bull terrier mascot who took the late 80s by storm. 

Things I’ve learned about Spuds since writing this article.

1. Spuds is a female

2. Spuds was hated by moms who thought Bud Light was trying to feed their kids beer

3. Spuds was so popular that Bud Light retired her in 89 because the company felt she overshadowed the brand

4. Spuds is amazing in all forms but never better than while she’s pretending to be Dracula

PEANUTS GALLERY GOT MILK

Since 1993, we’ve seen all walks of pop culture featured in the “Got Milk” campaign but it wasn’t until 2011 that the Peanuts gang traded their usual antics for milk mustaches and honored chocolate milk as the official brew of All Hallows’ Eve.

I love the idea that regular milk simply isn’t Halloween-y enough and you should exclusively be drinking chocolate during the haunting season.

Thanks for reading!