VINTAGE HALLOWEEN ADS

I’ve revised this intro at least 20 times by now and it dawned on me - who needs a clever intro when you’re about talk about illustrious vintage Halloween advertisements carefully plucked from magazines and newspapers? Not me. Not anyone. I found some pretty fun ones - I’m confident they’ll make up for the lack of a charismatic introductory paragraph.

CREST PUMPKIN 1983

Ah, the age old tale of dentist vs Halloween. We’ve all heard the shtick in one form or another whether it be dentists outright hating Halloween or a dentist in some random neighborhood handing out tooth brushes to trick-or-treaters. Even this ad starts off expressing dentists dismay over the holiday. 

The narrative always confused me. Maybe I’m just a glass half full kinda guy but wouldn’t a dentist be thrilled for a time of year when cavities are most prevalent? I’d sooner believe Halloween was designed to keep the drill bits turning and fluoride flowing. 

Regardless, Crest has made a nice simple scene here with a jolly jacko grinning from ear to ear to advertise their Advanced Formula with Flouristat to ensure those Halloween treats don’t come back to haunt your kids teeth. It's a win-win: kids get candy, dentists get business, and Crest gets to be the hero.

BUBBLE YUM

"Show us your bubble!" Bubble Yum proclaimed in 1988, apparently oblivious to how that phrase might tickle our modern funny bones. But, I digress - the ad features a couple of costumed kiddos channeling their inner monsters in pursuit of the era's hottest tech treasures. In simpler terms - LITTLE MONSTERS BLOWING BUBBLEGUM FOR VCRs!

As someone born just a year shy of this bubblegum bonanza, I can only imagine the frenzy. Even my 5-year-old self in '94 would have been chomping at the bit (or gum) for a shot at some sweet, sweet VCR action.

FRANK N’ STUFF

Most of you already know the glory that is Frank N’ Stuff Hotdogs by now - a whacky monster fronted line of hotdogs stuffed with chili or cheese from Hormel. Perhaps it’s news to some that there was at one point a $10k instant winner giveaway promo in 1987.

Here's the kicker: you could win by buying their delightfully stuffed dogs OR by simply sending a letter. That's right, Hormel was basically throwing money at people faster than Frankenstein's monster runs from angry villagers.

Speaking of the big green guy, I love that the ad features him illegally printing cash through some convoluted hotdog recycling scheme.

MARSHMALLOW KRISPIES CEREAL

Before they decided to melt the two together for a cereal of their own in the 90s, we were given Marshmallow Krispies cereal in the early 80s. If you were lucky enough, you would’ve come across this advertisement with a coupon for a whopping 15 cents off your next purchase of the cereal. Inflation, am I right?

I always get a kick out of these recipes for the holiday season. Why eat regular Rice Krispie treats when you can channel your inner Martha Stewart, sculpt a pumpkin, slap on more icing than a birthday cake and eat yourself to diabetic shock?

While I do love the sight of the jack-o’-lanterns which sorta resemble smaller bootleg versions of Dumpy the Pumpkin - there’s something about the ominous glow of the orange text against the shadowy background that feels so unmistakably Halloween.

SPUDS MACKENZIE BUD LIGHT

Universal loves themselves a giveaway opportunity. Whether it’s coupled with root beer or real beer - they wanted to give a select few either money or a trip to their amusement parks on many occasions. Which brings me to Bud Light. 

While a ton of the Halloween ads from Bud Light were fronted by beautiful busty goth women, a few were fronted by our pal, Spuds MacKenzie - a bull terrier mascot who took the late 80s by storm. 

Things I’ve learned about Spuds since writing this article.

1. Spuds is a female

2. Spuds was hated by moms who thought Bud Light was trying to feed their kids beer

3. Spuds was so popular that Bud Light retired her in 89 because the company felt she overshadowed the brand

4. Spuds is amazing in all forms but never better than while she’s pretending to be Dracula

PEANUTS GALLERY GOT MILK

Since 1993, we’ve seen all walks of pop culture featured in the “Got Milk” campaign but it wasn’t until 2011 that the Peanuts gang traded their usual antics for milk mustaches and honored chocolate milk as the official brew of All Hallows’ Eve.

I love the idea that regular milk simply isn’t Halloween-y enough and you should exclusively be drinking chocolate during the haunting season.

Thanks for reading!

CHEW ON THIS: VINTAGE BUBBLEGUM PT. 1!

From the title and the giant picture of bubblegum above, you can probably tell what this is going to be about. I can’t help but feel that we’ve all taken bubblegum for granted over the years. Cruising through convenience store aisles now days, you’ll notice how much of that old excitement no longer exists; neon colors with loud hand drawn graphics and an insanely large catalog of brands, styles and flavors all mostly gone. If you’re an 80s or 90s kid, you grew up in a time when chunk bubblegum was considered currency in grade school. It didn’t matter how much of a nerd you were. With the right bubblegum, you were automatically, at the very least, 50% cooler. We made a huge deal out of chewing this shit.

I’ve amassed an absurd amount of old gum (it’s like an episode of “Hoarders” in this bitch) and I’d love to highlight and reminisce about a select few…. otherwise, my frivolous spending habits would all be for nothing.

TOPPS JUICE BUBBLE GUM

Ah, Topps Juice Bubble Gum, the confectionery equivalent of chewing on fruity gravel. It was like fish tank medium masquerading as a box of juice; it’s a strange concept but man did it pop off!

My personal favorite? Grape. But let’s be honest, kid-me would’ve scarfed down a flavor called “Essence of Gym Sock” if it came in a package disguised as juice.

I’m still after that elusive Strawberry Shake container. There was one Easter when I received Strawberry Shake in my basket. I wasn’t the biggest fan of dyed, hard boiled eggs as a child but for that one year, the bunny and I were thick as thieves.

OUCH! BUBBLE GUM

If you thought juice carton gum was weird, hold onto your butts (haha, Jurassic Park references). Ouch! Gum came in a tin that looked like a first-aid kit. Because nothing says “yummy” like pretending to eat medical supplies.

While the gum was good and the gimmick was interesting enough; the real MVP was that tin containter. Once the tin was empty of its bubblegum insides, it was filled with literally anything else a kid could stash in it. It became the Fort Knox of childhood treasures.

Later renditions of Ouch! Gum lost the tin container which was replaced with a less fun papery card stock container. The gum was eventually discontinued all together. I’m not saying the discontinuation was the result of the tin’s absence, but I’ve also never purchased Ouch! Gum that couldn’t be repurposed as a mobile piggy bank.

TOPPS TMNT PRIMO BUBBLE GUM

In the 90’s, if it existed, there was a Ninja Turtles version of it. Enter Topps TMNT Primo Bubble Gum. The gum itself? Somewhere between “meh” and “okay.” But those turtle-shaped containers? Cowabunga, dude!

These little guys outlived their gummy contents by years at least, in my house. Like some weird trophy to remind myself of that time I chewed way too much gum - think Ace Ventura and Big Red but even less sexy. I can remember Leo and Donnie resting in a graveyard full of half-broken action figures instead of being thrown in the trash.

HUBBA BUBBA BUBBLE JUG

Perhaps the most interesting gum in this batch, we have the Bubble Jug. Imagine if a cat litter company decided to venture into the bubblegum business. That’s Bubble Jug for you, folks! It’s like someone looked at regular gum and thought, “you know what this needs? The texture of sand.” But I promise, it was the fruitiest, softest, chewiest sand I ever had the chance of eating.

This stuff was a hodgepodge of powdery dust and little, fluffy, soft pebbles of gum which would form into a more recognizable texture as you chewed. If you never had it before, I know none of that description sounds appetizing but I kid you not, this gum had an absolute choke hold on kid-me. The flavor was practically intoxicating and, in my honest opinion, hasn’t been matched since.

There have been imitations recently, sporting some sour star dust in the exact same jug container but they’re no shoe in for the real deal. I prefer my bubble jug to have the look and taste of a tropical paradise.

Interestingly enough, Bubble Jug is back thanks to the fine folks at Iconic Candy! Go check them out after you’re done reading (you’ve only got one more!).

TONGUE SPLASHERS

Last but not least, the bad boy of the bubblegum world: Tongue Splashers! Nothing says “cool” like chewing gum from a fucking paint can! Unfortunately, I don’t own the bigger version. Times are tough and I’m running low on space to put shit; settling for a sealed mini version was not an easy choice to make but by some miracle, I survived. I’m still trying to figure out who’s going to play me in the movie.

This felt like such an edgy gum. Was it the packaging? The gimmick? Or was it because I first encountered it near the horror section at the local video store? Perhaps a mix of all three?

If I’m being honest, I’m surprised this one didn’t stand the test of time. I’m assuming it’s due to the food coloring but cruising down the Dollar Tree candy aisle, I noticed at least 1000 different varieties of individually bagged gum products that would more than likely stain your tongue. Only they were all boring…. and didn’t come in paint cans.

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Whatever happened to the long-lasting flavor we were promised? It’s still out there, along with my dad who went to buy milk 20 years ago.

2. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tongue Splasher? That’s not even remotely close to what that fucking kid asked that Owl.

3. Are fish more likely to bite if you use Juice Bar Gum as bait? Only if they’re trying to relive their 90’s childhood too.

Well folks, there you have it - a journey through the sticky, sweet, and sometimes strange world of vintage bubblegum! Next time you pass by the candy aisle and see the tame, responsible gum options of today, pour one out for the wild west days of bubblegum past. I hope you enjoyed reading as I waxed poetically about old gum! I’ll catch you in part 2. Until next time, thanks for reading!