WHY DOESN’T MONSTER CEREAL ICE CREAM EXIST?

Halloween season is in full swing, and boy what a banner year it’s been so far! From FrankenCakes to Ghost Toast Kit-Kats, we certainly have plenty of new spooky junk food to gorge ourselves on…right? Wrong.

Forgive me if this comes off a little James Rolfe-y, but, you know what’s bullshit? The fact that we’ve got all these damn monster cereals, but General Mills refuses to go all the way with the crossover products. Sure, they’ve given us Fruit Roll-Ups. Fine. Franken & Boo-Berry Glo-Gurt? Big whoop. What I really want is to see the big G swing for the fences. I think it’s high time they gave us Monster Cereal Ice Cream! (And before you come for me in the comments, I’m talking real ice cream, not those NutraSweet Count Chocula pops from 1980-something.)

Problem is, I don’t see that happening any time soon. It’s a real head-scratcher too because putting that sweet, iced-cream in everyone’s local grocery freezer section just seems like owning a license to print money.

Wait a minute. I like money. This gives me an idea…

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Frute Brute ice cream! An officially unofficial, Monster Cereal based, frozen dairy dessert. Isn’t it beautiful? Isn’t it everything you’ve always wanted? Of course it is.

Now you may be asking yourself, how did this guy make a Frute Brute ice cream in 2024? That’s the fun part, I didn’t! Through the magic of repurposing content, what you’re viewing today is actually a window into our not-so-distant past of June 2023. I know that timeline may also not add-up for you, so I’ll cut right to the chase - I bought way too much Frute Brute during the Halloween season of 2022 out of sheer excitement, totally disregarding the fact that I’d never be able to eat that much cereal. Cut to eight months later: I’m deep in the throes of my Ninja Creami obsession, overflowing with nearly-stale human kibble, and needing content for a now defunct Patreon page.

* light bulb *

So, I set out on a quest to make what the cereal gods haven’t - a grocery store quality, Halloween themed ice cream. Fun part? If you have a Creami or other similar home ice cream machine, you can make it too! No gatekeeping here. Follow this recipe:

-1.5 cups milk*

-1/4 cup sweetener of your choice (I used monk-fruit)

-1/4 tsp xanthan gum

-cap-full of Vanilla extract (probably 1/2 tsp.)

*The key to this recipe was filling my ice cream pint up to the fill line with cereal, pouring in my milk and letting those two sit in the fridge for an hour or so. This ensures that all the flavor & color gets imparted into the milk, then the soggy cereal gets strained out and tossed.

After all that, I let the ice cream base sit in the freezer for 24 hours and then ran it through the machine the following night. For Ninja Creami owners, run it on the lite ice cream setting (maybe twice)!

One final pass through on the mix-in function after adding in a handful of fresh cereal pieces and you’re in business.

Damn dawg, look at that texture. If I were more business savvy I could be selling these things for $5.50 a pop at a drive-thru. The only problem I foresee is sourcing more of the ever-elusive Frute Brute cereal. But I suppose that’s the beauty of this recipe, you can use any of the monster cereal flavors. Hell, you could use any cereal you like, period!

So, the next time someone tells you it’s too cold out for ice cream, pull out your phone and show them this article. They’ll probably laugh at you, but what do they know anyway?

FRUTE BRUTE FOREVER.

VINTAGE HALLOWEEN TRICK-OR-TREAT BAGS PT. 1

Emblazoned with grinning pumpkins, cartoonish witches, and not-so-scary ghosts; If you grew up trick-or-treating during the 80’s and 90’s, chances are you toted one of these flimsy plastic Halloween promotional bags from your local grocery store, fast food joint, or department store.

Originally destined for a one-night stand with confectionery glory, who knew 40 years later we'd be waxing so poetically over spooky orange and yellow plastic bags? They’re more than just that, they’re little snapshots of an era of Halloween I sometimes feel no longer exists. From General Mills to Dominos, join me for a dive into a collection of vintage trick-or-treat bags and explore beloved designs that defined Halloween for multiple generations of kids. Together we will unpack some fantastic plastic memories in non-biodegradable materials!

CEREAL MONSTERS

Thanks to the Flickr collection of Gregg Koenig, we know these are possibly from the 70s. Do I know what year with 100% certainty? Absolutely not. But let's pretend we're cereal archaeologists and roll with it. What I do know is that these were obtained with two proofs of purchase of any Monster Cereal. This was back when cereal companies would offer little incentives for purchasing sugar coated cardboard. 

One may have a hard time believing this beautiful bag is 50+ years old as it managed to maintain looking brand new like it’s hot off the press! The art is goofy and fun and double sided at that! If the simple montage of the trio with their jack-o’-lantern (which I’m assuming the Count carved, he’s extra proud here) wasn’t enough, the back sports and alternate art with the trio being chased by some dick head kid. They could’ve easily used the same image for both sides but went the extra mile!

DOMINOS PIZZA

Ladies, gentlemen, and creatures of the night, meet the unholy offspring of The Noid and Dracula - Noid-ula! I’m assuming this Domino’s Pizza bag was produced in the late 80s to mid 90s as that was around the time the Noid was being used as Dominos marketing mascot. 

The bag, which I found last year scouring the depths of my eBay watchlist at 3 AM, sports a strikingly mesmerizing color palette. It’s like a Lisa Frank folder had a baby with a Halloween rave. The more you look, the more you see the finer details. It’s been an entire year and I only just noticed the little yellow and purple monsters near the bottom of Noids casket playing hide and seek with my sanity.

“Keep your fangs out of my candy!” feels like such a Bart Simpson-esque threat and honestly makes complete sense. This bag has enough attitude to warrant detention every day after school. Eat my shorts.

CASPER

Here we see the Harvey Cartoons/Comics version of Casper. It’s hard to say exactly when this bag was produced as there isn’t a plethora of information about it online. I’ve gathered it’s slightly rare. I’ve only ever seen it once on eBay and there are half a dozen Reddit posts each desperately seeking any leads to it. This one was oddly enough part of the random collection residing in the attic of my house that we found earlier in the beginning of August. 

In case you didn’t know, the three ghosts with the Dairy Queen curl at their heads are Casper’s uncles - Fatso, Lazo and Fusso. This was before his uncles got their 1995 movie makeover. The little one with the freckles is Caspers cousin, Spooky. With the addition of Spooky, this bag has to be at least older than 1955 since that’s when he was conceived.

It’s in slightly rough shape with some color loss but its age hasn’t diminished its charm. Look at Caspers little ghost feet - if that doesn't make you say "aww," check your pulse, you might be dead.

ORVILLE REDENBACHER #1

Move over, Act II - Orville's throwing a monster mash, and everyone's invited! This is one of the two Orville bags that I’ll eventually get to in a second or theirs part. 

One of the most artful of the lots here, I could get lost in this bag all day - and I don’t just mean sticking my head in it and almost suffocating. I’ll be doing that too but for real, what a beautiful color scheme! This 1981 masterpiece is what happens when Tales from the Crypt meets your microwave.

It's a regular "Who's Who" of Universal Monsters. Frankenstein's monster, Dracula, the Wolf Man - gang's all here! It's like Comic-Con for the undead, but with more butter and less body odor.

SUPER SAFETY #1

This one I assume was obtained at a local grocery store. It seems like anyone in any town or city could have these produced and customized as they felt fit as I’ve seen this exact design marketing other products depending on what store and where you might live. 

As far as I can tell, in terms of advertising, this is the most extravagant one of the bunch by far! It's got more products than a late-night shopping channel. For a grand total of 8 different items - this bag is in every sense of the word a walking billboard! Triaminic cold medicine, Kachoos childrens facial tissues, Karo corn syrup, Minute Maid, Handi-Snacks, Spaghetti-Os! No rhyme, reason or pattern. Whatever the fuck they wanted on this bag was going on it! 

The real prize? The main front and back images - especially the vampire showcasing his cape embellished in Halloween safety rules. Nothing says “be careful” like taking advice from a blood sucking fiend!

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Why is the Noid in a coffin? Too many pizzas delivered on time.
   

2. Why do these bags have so many ads? It's Halloween. Even capitalism likes to dress up.

3. What's with Casper's ghost feet? They’re adorable.

Thank you for joining me to get misty-eyed over glorified plastic garbage bags from a time lost but not forgotten - they live on in our hearts, attics, and probably some landfills.