THE TOYBOX DIARIES PART 1 - SUMMER EDITION

Summer's here, and you know what that means: time to slather on enough SPF to make an albino jealous and embrace the season of sweat stains! Since I made the questionable decision to hoard vintage toys (judge me all you want, at least I'm not collecting shot glasses or belly button lint), let me dazzle you with toys that scream "summer" louder than a seagull eyeing your beach snacks. What else were you gonna do for the next five minutes? Actually go outside? Please... I've already braved the great outdoors to play with these bad boys in my strawberry plants, all for your entertainment and it was just barely worth it…. You’re welcome.

TIGER ELECTRONICS CAPTAIN PLANET “DUKE NUKEM” 1991

Is he a corn cob? A pineapple? The unholy offspring of a lemon and a nuclear reactor? Why not all three? Regardless, he’s Duke Nukem and he’s ready to party harder than a frat boy on spring break!

Duke Nukem, if you recall, is one of Captain Planets finest foes. You may be familiar with the less colorful glow in the dark version of this figure mostly because this variant pictured here was a European release. While the other version got the glow in the dark treatment, this one got the “electronic noises and blinking red eyes with the press of a button” treatment with a “dad who’s ready to flip burgers at the cookout” styled look.

SEWER SPITTING TMNT 1992

1992 - the year fashion forgot but toy designers clearly remembered! When people say that the 80s blends into the early 90s, this is what they mean. Here we have one of the most summery, colorful lines from Ninja Turtles in Playmates Toys history. The lineup: Beach combing Mike, Lifeguard Leo, Sewer-Cyclin’ Raph and Spike N’ Volley Don.

With accessories to the brim, these turtles are more loaded than your cousin after a trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet. And just like your cousin, they also spit! But with water, thankfully. Each turtle has a rubber container built into their shell that fills up with water which can then be squeezed to make them spit water making them the perfect pool toy. Or the perfect destroy dinner time toy… pick your poison.

ARMY ANTS 1987

If you have a strong phobia of bugs, tread lightly from here on out. But realistically, what says summer more than an invasion of creepy crawlies?

For when regular ants ruining your picnic just isn't enough, here we have the classic 80s toy line, Army Ants! If you’re not familiar, these anthropomorphic ants sported some army getup and came in both blue and orange. The idea, if it’s not obvious, two 6 legged armies pitted against each other because the old green totally normal human soldiers just didn’t cut it anymore. The fun factor didn’t stop there. These things had squishy removable pink and green butts!

BEAST WARS PREDACON RETRAX

Speaking of bugs, meet BEAST WARS PREDACON RETRAX, the pillbug that's harder to stand up than your drunk uncle at a family barbecue. This little guy is supposedly a desert destroyer who burrows through tunnels of his fallen victims, but I think he'd struggle to destroy a sandcastle.

I spent exactly 260 hours trying to get him to stand up long enough to take an awkward photo with my neighbors watching. He’s an extremely top heavy figure once he’s transformed. The real fun is when he’s still in bug form. So, he’s a pillbug (those little goofy rolly polly bugs) which they’ve achieved surprisingly well!

TMNT MEGA MUTANTS KILLER BEE AND NEEDLENOSE

Surprise surprise! Yeah, it’s more Turtle figures! Yeah, I’m predictable, sue me. But we’re on a big streak, we had to keep it going. Now, buckle up for a wild ride through the insect kingdom on steroids!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up to witness the most buzzworthy spectacle in town - Killer Bee and Needlenose, the MEGA MUTANTS! These aren't your garden-variety creepy crawlies. These are jumbo-sized, action-packed insect taxis for your toys, courtesy of everyone's favorite disembodied brain, Krang!

First up, meet Killer Bee - the Foot Clan's answer to "What if we crossed a bee with a prison and a hardware store?" This bad boy comes equipped with an electric chair seat (for that extra tingle), a ball and chain (for plastic criminals), and a pollinator pistol (because even evil bees have day jobs). And if that wasn't enough, throw in some handcuffs and a chainsaw, because why not? It's the Swiss Army Knife of criminal insects!

But wait, there's more! Introducing Needlenose, the jet-fighting mosquito from Dimension X. This reformed bug went from sucking blood to sucking up to the good guys faster than you can say "turtle power." Donatello must've given him quite the pep talk after the “bug-napping” (it says Donnie basically stole him from Krang on the back of his box). With a tongue for a seat, bee-seeking missiles, and a rotating tail gunner, this mosquito is ready to turn any killer bee into a swatted bee.

So whether you're team stinger or team proboscis, these mega mutants are sure to create quite the buzz in your toy box. Just remember, kids: in this world, it's either bee or bee not - there is no fly!"

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Can I incorporate this into my summer workout routine? Absolutely. Nothing builds core strength like hunching over tiny action figures for hours on end.

2. Is Needlenose an effective mode of transportation? If your idea of effective transportation includes airsickness and the constant fear of being swatted, absolutely.

3. Can Duke Nukem protect you from sunburn? He can't even protect himself from looking like an overripe fruit. You're on your own, pal.

So there you have it! Whether you're hitting the beach or hiding from the sun in your air-conditioned fortress, remember: summer is all about fun, and nothing says fun like grown adults taking photos of children's toys from decades ago in front of your neighbors (nostalgias a hell of a drug). Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some important business to attend to - teaching my Army Ants the finer points of strawberry garden construction. Thanks for reading!