CHEW ON THIS: VINTAGE BUBBLEGUM PT. 1!

From the title and the giant picture of bubblegum above, you can probably tell what this is going to be about. I can’t help but feel that we’ve all taken bubblegum for granted over the years. Cruising through convenience store aisles now days, you’ll notice how much of that old excitement no longer exists; neon colors with loud hand drawn graphics and an insanely large catalog of brands, styles and flavors all mostly gone. If you’re an 80s or 90s kid, you grew up in a time when chunk bubblegum was considered currency in grade school. It didn’t matter how much of a nerd you were. With the right bubblegum, you were automatically, at the very least, 50% cooler. We made a huge deal out of chewing this shit.

I’ve amassed an absurd amount of old gum (it’s like an episode of “Hoarders” in this bitch) and I’d love to highlight and reminisce about a select few…. otherwise, my frivolous spending habits would all be for nothing.

TOPPS JUICE BUBBLE GUM

Ah, Topps Juice Bubble Gum, the confectionery equivalent of chewing on fruity gravel. It was like fish tank medium masquerading as a box of juice; it’s a strange concept but man did it pop off!

My personal favorite? Grape. But let’s be honest, kid-me would’ve scarfed down a flavor called “Essence of Gym Sock” if it came in a package disguised as juice.

I’m still after that elusive Strawberry Shake container. There was one Easter when I received Strawberry Shake in my basket. I wasn’t the biggest fan of dyed, hard boiled eggs as a child but for that one year, the bunny and I were thick as thieves.

OUCH! BUBBLE GUM

If you thought juice carton gum was weird, hold onto your butts (haha, Jurassic Park references). Ouch! Gum came in a tin that looked like a first-aid kit. Because nothing says “yummy” like pretending to eat medical supplies.

While the gum was good and the gimmick was interesting enough; the real MVP was that tin containter. Once the tin was empty of its bubblegum insides, it was filled with literally anything else a kid could stash in it. It became the Fort Knox of childhood treasures.

Later renditions of Ouch! Gum lost the tin container which was replaced with a less fun papery card stock container. The gum was eventually discontinued all together. I’m not saying the discontinuation was the result of the tin’s absence, but I’ve also never purchased Ouch! Gum that couldn’t be repurposed as a mobile piggy bank.

TOPPS TMNT PRIMO BUBBLE GUM

In the 90’s, if it existed, there was a Ninja Turtles version of it. Enter Topps TMNT Primo Bubble Gum. The gum itself? Somewhere between “meh” and “okay.” But those turtle-shaped containers? Cowabunga, dude!

These little guys outlived their gummy contents by years at least, in my house. Like some weird trophy to remind myself of that time I chewed way too much gum - think Ace Ventura and Big Red but even less sexy. I can remember Leo and Donnie resting in a graveyard full of half-broken action figures instead of being thrown in the trash.

HUBBA BUBBA BUBBLE JUG

Perhaps the most interesting gum in this batch, we have the Bubble Jug. Imagine if a cat litter company decided to venture into the bubblegum business. That’s Bubble Jug for you, folks! It’s like someone looked at regular gum and thought, “you know what this needs? The texture of sand.” But I promise, it was the fruitiest, softest, chewiest sand I ever had the chance of eating.

This stuff was a hodgepodge of powdery dust and little, fluffy, soft pebbles of gum which would form into a more recognizable texture as you chewed. If you never had it before, I know none of that description sounds appetizing but I kid you not, this gum had an absolute choke hold on kid-me. The flavor was practically intoxicating and, in my honest opinion, hasn’t been matched since.

There have been imitations recently, sporting some sour star dust in the exact same jug container but they’re no shoe in for the real deal. I prefer my bubble jug to have the look and taste of a tropical paradise.

Interestingly enough, Bubble Jug is back thanks to the fine folks at Iconic Candy! Go check them out after you’re done reading (you’ve only got one more!).

TONGUE SPLASHERS

Last but not least, the bad boy of the bubblegum world: Tongue Splashers! Nothing says “cool” like chewing gum from a fucking paint can! Unfortunately, I don’t own the bigger version. Times are tough and I’m running low on space to put shit; settling for a sealed mini version was not an easy choice to make but by some miracle, I survived. I’m still trying to figure out who’s going to play me in the movie.

This felt like such an edgy gum. Was it the packaging? The gimmick? Or was it because I first encountered it near the horror section at the local video store? Perhaps a mix of all three?

If I’m being honest, I’m surprised this one didn’t stand the test of time. I’m assuming it’s due to the food coloring but cruising down the Dollar Tree candy aisle, I noticed at least 1000 different varieties of individually bagged gum products that would more than likely stain your tongue. Only they were all boring…. and didn’t come in paint cans.

LINGERING THOUGHTS/CONCLUSION

1. Whatever happened to the long-lasting flavor we were promised? It’s still out there, along with my dad who went to buy milk 20 years ago.

2. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tongue Splasher? That’s not even remotely close to what that fucking kid asked that Owl.

3. Are fish more likely to bite if you use Juice Bar Gum as bait? Only if they’re trying to relive their 90’s childhood too.

Well folks, there you have it - a journey through the sticky, sweet, and sometimes strange world of vintage bubblegum! Next time you pass by the candy aisle and see the tame, responsible gum options of today, pour one out for the wild west days of bubblegum past. I hope you enjoyed reading as I waxed poetically about old gum! I’ll catch you in part 2. Until next time, thanks for reading!