THE BEST HOLIDAY JUNK FOOD 2024!

Welcome to this year's festival of festive face-stuffing! Pull up a chair as I systematically sacrifice my blood sugar levels to bring you reviews of the season's most intriguing holiday treats. Consider this my gift to you – a thoroughly researched (and thoroughly digested) guide to what's worth the calories and what deserves coal in its stocking. Also, make sure to check back regularly for updates of limited edition holiday snacks that marketing departments have convinced themselves we need.

REESE'S SUGAR COOKIE BIG CUP

Here’s the thing, I love a new take on a classic. Unfortunately for the Reese’s Sugar Cookie Big Cup, ambition has exceeded execution. Reese's attempted to cram the delicate essence of a sugar cookie into their already perfect peanut butter cup. The result? Imagine inviting a ballet dancer to perform at a heavy metal concert – the subtle notes never stood a chance. What we got instead is essentially a Reese's cup that hit the gym and ghosted its sugar cookie personality. It's still chocolate and peanut butter, just... more of it with a bit of a texture variation. Thanks for playing, sugar cookie flavor. We hardly knew ye. 3/10

TWIZZLERS MERRY BERRY PUNCH

Someone at Twizzlers HQ said, "What if we made licorice that looks like we mugged a Christmas tree?" And thus, these festive green twigs were born. The flavor is supposedly blueberry and blue raspberry, but as a certified '90s kid who practically mainlined blue raspberry everything, I can tell you the blue raspberry is super muted. What I’m getting instead is a surprisingly decent blueberry pie filling vibe that somehow got lost on its way to an actual pie. Props for the color though. 6/10

TOASTY HOLIDAY PEANUT M&MS

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. These aren't just M&Ms; they're M&Ms that went to finishing school and came back with a monocle. The packaging is saying "department store Christmas display circa 1952," and I'm here for it. The peanuts taste like they just came from a fancy toasting spa retreat, and the chocolate seems to have gotten the memo about being part of something special. Every bite feels like you should be wearing a smoking jacket and discussing the stock market. It's so sophisticated, I've started calling my cat "Sir Whiskers" and speaking with a vaguely British accent. 10/10

PILLSBURY GRINCH COOKIES

Somewhere in Whoville, someone's getting fired. These cookies, which were meant to capture the essence of everyone's favorite green Christmas killjoy, instead look like what you'd get if an alien tried to recreate cat paw prints based on a blurry photograph. I assumed after baking, the promises of the Grinch's head and his growing heart would present themselves but, again, what you’re left with looks more like evidence from an extraterrestrial veterinary clinic. Taste-wise, it's the same sugar cookie that gets a costume change for every holiday – ghost shape for Halloween, shamrock for St. Patrick's, and now... space toe beans for Christmas. How the Grinch Stole Cookie Originality. 6/10

PLANTERS TOASTED MARSHMALLOW HOT CHOCOLATE CASHEWS

Now this is what happens when snack development goes right! These cashews went to a fancy college and came back with a sophistication that makes regular nuts feel inadequate. The flavor profile is like a s'more got a PhD – toasty, cocoa-rich, with just enough marshmallow to remind you of camp, but not enough to remind you of that time you tried to eat six jumbo marshmallows at once. The crunch factor is reminiscent of grape nuts, but unlike grape nuts, these won't make you question your life choices. An elegant 8/10

7UP SHIRLEY TEMPLE SODA

After a quest worthy of Lord of the Rings (minus the ring, plus several disappointed trips to Walmart), I finally found this elusive beverage! The color is what I imagine fairy champagne looks like – a delicate pink that makes you feel fancy even when drinking it in your pajamas. The taste is like 7UP went to charm school – light, sophisticated, with just enough cherry and pomegranate to make it interesting. Bonus points for keeping it caffeine-free, because some of us prefer our heart palpitations to come from holiday stress, not our beverages. 9.5/10

CINNAMON SWIRL LINDT LINDOR TRUFFLE

Oh, Lindt. Lindt, Lindt, Lindt. I drove 73 miles (1 hour and 27 minutes of my life I'll never get back) for what I thought would be the Rolls-Royce of cinnamon roll experiences. Instead, I got what tastes like white chocolate that once heard someone whisper the word "cinnamon" from across a crowded room. These truffles are sweeter than a Disney movie marathon, and about as true to cinnamon rolls as I am to my New Year's resolutions. The only silver lining is that they're so far away from my house, I couldn't get more even if I wanted to. Which I don't. Because of the overwhelming sweetness and lack of cinnamon bun essence, I can’t go higher than a 1/10

TROLLI ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN

Imagine if the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man had tiny, sparkly backup dancers… that’s these guys. Now, a tale of three flavors, ranked in order of how likely they are to make you believe in yeti:

1. Mango passion fruit: The king of the mountain

2. Blue raspberry guava: A solid second, like a yeti's smaller, cooler cousin

3. Strawberry lime: Tastes like someone mixed fruit punch with what I imagine Mr. Clean's cologne would taste like. But here's the thing – I'm the type of person who finds the smell of cleaning products oddly appetizing, so this is actually a compliment.

Overall, I’m giving these a 7.5/10. I get weird when we mix fruit flavors with Christmas when they feel better placed in the warmer months.